Let's talk about it, let's open the conversation so other mothers know they are not alone.
After having my daughter, I was very numb. I didn't feel like what I thought most mothers would feel.
There was pain, lots of change within my body, my life. There was new responsibility and the aching feeling that everything I did was wrong.
Am I feeding her right
Am I producing enough milk
Am I a good mom
Why am I so depressed
Why don't I feel an immense amount of love like all the other moms on tv shows, books and tv?
Why does my body look the way it does?
My beautiful daughter deserved better, I thought.
Every time I walked in to the bathroom and looked at myself, I didn't recognize her.
Who is she? I thought? She definitely wasn't me.. the me I thought I would be, would be gleaming with happiness in my newfound motherhood.
I was struggling, I felt alone, I felt tired and overwhelmed and exhausted and... empty.
The truth was, is that I had post partum depression.
I remember staring blankly for hours on end while crying.
I had troubles breastfeeding, my daughter had a high palate and that was just something you couldn't fix. For 5 long and grueling months I exclusively breastfed through constant scabbed nipples, crying and soreness.
At the 5 month mark, my daughter self weaned and I felt like a failure when we switched over to formula feeding instead. Pumping didn't help, nothing helped. The lactation consultant who came to my house saw how absolutely gutted and exhausted I was. She tried to help me as best as she could.
"She didn't need me anymore, I'm a failure, I'm worthless."
Post partum is hard, it plays with your emotions and your mental health, and I'm glad I got the help I needed.
There is help out there, and you are not alone. I know the struggles and the changes and the exhaustion all too well.
I often speak to my clients (I am a Northern Virginia Newborn and Maternity Photographer) about this and they find comfort to know they are not alone.
If you are experiencing post partum depression, it is okay to ask for help.
You got this mama, you're doing just fine.
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